A few of my favourite things

Usually I am fairly unflappable and meander along the highways and byways of this great land with barely a second glace to unfavourable behaviour. However, there are some aspects of driving behaviour that have irked me somewhat of late, particularly over the last few days.

Now I know it’s not a pmt induced womanly hormone type thing, but I’m concerned that it could mean that young Muppet is getting hypersensitive to my road using comrades. Or is it merely the simple truth that there is an insurgence in road using idiots and lunatics?

Number one irritant of the lunatic driving minorities’ idiosyncrasies are actually the instrument of pedestrians. To be specific it’s pedestrian crossings of the zebra variant, found on a High Street near you. In my opinion they should be renamed ‘Pedestrian Roulette’. I tend to approach with extreme over caution as I’ve found through experience, the Great British Public see the humble zebra crossing as a huge detached external brake pedal by which they attempt to halt the unwitting approach of our little steel boxes. Stepping out into the path of my car as it is practically on top of the stripes is not a wise decision at all. In fact I could be the swiftest braker in the free world, with the most expensive high tech ceramic braking system known to man; but I still couldn’t stop in time given that distance. I would go so far as to suggest awarding a Darwin award to these people.

Now before I am subject of immense dislike, I know there are other creatures responsible for instigating this behaviour, which I believe is a defensive gesture resultant from the actions of another. You know who you are - drivers who blatantly have enough foresight and distance to stop but boot the gearbox down a notch and blatt on through, grinning manically.

Please, both of you get some common sense and teensy amount of courtesy wouldn’t go amiss.

Secondly getting my goat are the ‘motorway meanies’: please explain to me what greater good you have to gain from not giving way or moving over to allow me to proceed from the slip road on to the motorway? It is a bizarre and ludicrous practice that slows the rest of the motoring-world down. I am sorry that I was blind to the realisation that the particular stretch of motorway at the end of the slip road of Jct 2 of the M40 meant so much to you. I'm sure you'll both be blissfully happy together.

I’m guessing that they may be the same unfortunates cursed with ‘lane-drifter affliction' that is the inability to drive in a straight line; recognise the width of their own vehicle and keep said vehicle within the lane in which it is being driven. Sufferers of this scourge are also blighted with 'mirror-adversity', 'indicator allergy' and ‘Ididn’tseeyouthere-itis’.

It’s not that I abhor the behaviour of other motorists, just the few whose behaviour I have detailed above.

Now those motorists have really made me grumpy.